Pumpkin spice lattes are egg nog for morning people.

You know that things are not going well when you lose the moral high ground to a TMZ reporter.

The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.

There are so many low points with stand-up. You are perpetually humiliated, so it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't have any dignity left to lose. An audience can’t hurt you anymore when you’ve been completely dismantled.

When you've married someone who's been at war, there is nothing you can do that compares to that level of selflessness and bravery.