If anybody comes up to you and says, My kid is a conservative - why is that? you say, Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.

Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.

Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.

I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac.

There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.

The bravest thing that men do is love women.