Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That's how I want to love him - through pictures and folklore.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way.

I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.

Well, I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means.

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.

That's the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.