Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.