It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.

I am no fan of books.

John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.