It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.

In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say "congratulations.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

You have to do your First Penance before your First Holy Communion. You're really young. What do you know? You've got nothing to confess. All I knew was that I was an evil human whose sins caused the death of our Lord.