It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.

Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.

This is a crucial time in the fight for corporate civil rights. Just look at the hateful signs at Occupy Wallstreet: 'Corporations Are Not People!' Wow, I thought we were past the point in this country where some people aren't people just because they have different color skin or different religion or were born in a lawyer's office, only exist on paper, have no soul and can never die.

And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.

Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.

I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.

If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.