I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

Day One: Still tired from the move.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.