Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.
Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.
I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.
Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.
Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.
My work is trying to at least define myself on my own terms, and then if other people enjoy things that's a lovely addition.