I do think that stand-up comedy in general heavily favors masculinity and so I like to act a little feminine onstage.

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your life you were being laughed at.

I'd really love to make something that doesn't involve my stupid face.