According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, 'Well, look: you did what you could.'

I know I'd be an absolutely horrendous politician.

Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.

Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.

I guess the tone of jokes is often, at best, irreverent, but it always comes from a place of deep love.

If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.

Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can.