I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.

If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.

You're sonically racist, Americans. You think we all sound the same, whereas I have definitely a mongrel accent.

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.

British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death.