You ever dip your biscuit in your tea and it breaks. I swear now, you never get used to that.

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when your hand or head is stuck in something.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

I'm not homophobic. I'm not scared of my house.