I would give anything to escape myself, Flynn thought, just for a day, just for a minute even. Just to know what it was like to think differently, to feel differently, and to not be me.
Tabitha SuzumaAt what point do you give up - decide enough is enough? There is only one answer really. Never.
Tabitha SuzumaThey say when you really love someone, you should be willing to set them free. So that is what I am doing. I will step back and you will move on. I will let you go. ... Your happiness means everything to me. I will listen for your voice in the distance. I will look at the moon. I will keep you in my pocket. I will carry your smile with me everywhere, like a warm and comforting glow.
Tabitha SuzumaAnd the very important fact that I'm here to worry with you and go through all of this - every little bit of it - by your side, even your worst-case-scenario, should it somehow come to that. You wouldn't be doing any of it alone.' Her voice drops and she looks down at our hands, fingers entwined, resting on her lap. 'Whatever happens, there will always be us.
Tabitha SuzumaAnyway, what does mad mean exactly?" Rami added quickly "Aren't we all a little mad? Don't we have to be somehat mad just to go on living, to go on hoping?
Tabitha SuzumaAs the light begins to intensify, so does my misery, and I wonder how it is possible to hurt so much when nothing is wrong.
Tabitha SuzumaOut of the millions and millions of people that inhabit this planet, he is one of the tiny few I can never have.
Tabitha SuzumaTime has stopped; time is racing. Lochie's lips are rough yet smooth, hard yet gentle. His fingers are strong: I feel them in my hair and on my neck and down my arms and against my back. And I never want him to let me go.
Tabitha SuzumaThis whole time, my whole life, that harsh, stony path was leading up to this one point. I followed it blindly, stumbling along the way, scraped and weary, without any idea of where it was leading, without ever realizing that with every step I was approaching the light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel. And now that I've reached it, now that I'm here, I want to catch it in my hand, hold onto it forever to look back on - the point at which my new life really began.
Tabitha SuzumaIt's horrible being ashamed of someone you care about; it eats away at you. And if you let it get to you, if you give up the fight and surrender, eventually that shame turns to hate.
Tabitha SuzumaI might appear confident and chatty, but I spend most of my time laughing at jokes I don't find funny, saying things I don't really mean - because at the end of the day that's what we're all trying to do: fit in, one way or another, desperately trying to pretend we're all the same.
Tabitha SuzumaI canโt tell you. I canโt tell you of all people. Throughout my life you were the one person I could turn to. The one person I could always count on to understand. And now that Iโve lost you, Iโve lost everything.
Tabitha SuzumaI've never seen anyone sleep with their head hanging off the back of a wooden chair before - was the couch not comfortable enough for you?
Tabitha SuzumaAnd I know how he feelsโitโs so good it hurts. I think Iโm going to die from happiness. I think Iโm going to die from pain. Time has stopped; time is racing.
Tabitha SuzumaHe will think Lochan wasn't loved, but he was, more deeply than most people are in a lifetime.
Tabitha SuzumaBut whichever form it took it brought with it, in those moments of bitter anguish, such a desperate surge of hope that it was almost untouchable, and flitted away like a golden butterfly into the bright blue sky - beautiful, unreachable and completely transistent.
Tabitha SuzumaAnd this is something I must accept - even if, like acid on metal, it is slowly corroding me inside.
Tabitha SuzumaNever before have I imagined my life without himโlike this house, he is my only point of reference in this difficult existence, this unstable and frightening world. The thought of his leaving home fills me with a terror so strong, it takes my breath away. I feel like one of those seagulls covered in oil from a spill, drowning in a black tar of fear.
Tabitha SuzumaYou've always been my best friend, my soul mate, and now I've fallen in love with you too. Why is that such a crime?
Tabitha SuzumaI mean, at the end of the day, what the hell does it matter who I end up with if it can't be you?
Tabitha SuzumaHe is my soul mate, my fresh air, the reason I look forward to getting up every morning.
Tabitha SuzumaAt what point does a fly give up trying to escape through a closed window โ do its survival instincts keep it going until it is physically capable of no more, or does it eventually learn after one crash too many that there is no way out? At what point do you decide that enough is enough?
Tabitha SuzumaThere are no laws, no boundaries on feelings.We can love each other as much and as deeply as we want.No one, Maya, no one can ever take that away from us.
Tabitha SuzumaShe can't just be a face, a body; there has to be more than that, some kind of connection. And I can't connect, don't want to connect, with anyone.
Tabitha SuzumaI feel like I'm going crazy: seeing you every day but never being able to - to hold you, to touch you when anyone else is around. i just want to take your hand, kiss you, hug you, without having to hide all the time. All those things every other couple takes for granted!
Tabitha SuzumaWillaโs big blue eyes, Willaโs dimpled-cheeked smile. Tiffinโs shaggy blond mane, Tiffinโs cheeky grin. Kitโs yells of excitement, Kitโs glow of pride. Mayaโs face, Mayaโs kisses, Mayaโs love. Maya, Maya, Maya . . .
Tabitha SuzumaAt the end of the day it's about how much you can bear, how much you can endure. Being together, we harm nobody; being apart, we extinguish ourselves.
Tabitha SuzumaI want to tell her that I can't pull her down. I want to tell her that she has to let go of my hand in order to swim. I want to tell her that she must live her own life. But I sense she already knows that these options are open to her. And that she, too, has made her choice.
Tabitha SuzumaYou cannot undo the past; you can only learn to live with it, find some way of making peace with it, and move on.
Tabitha SuzumaNothing can relieve the pain. Not crying, laughing, screaming, begging. Nothing can change the past.
Tabitha SuzumaAt the age of five she has already come to terms with one of the life's harshest lessons: that the world isn't fair.
Tabitha SuzumaTrying to describe my life and feelings to you is like trying to describe coulours to the blind, or music to the deaf. It's simply not possible.
Tabitha SuzumaGet through today โ you can fall apart tomorrow. Get through tomorrow, you can fall apart the day after . . .
Tabitha SuzumaPressed up against him, I can feel the thud of his heart against mine, his ribcase expanding and contracting rapidly against my chest, the warm whisper of his breath tickling the side of my neck, the brush of his leg against my thigh. Resting my arms on his shoulders, I pull back a little to get a look at his face. But he isn't smiling any more.
Tabitha SuzumaIf I keep breathing, then I have to keep living, and if I keep living, then I have to keep hurting, and I can't - not like this.
Tabitha SuzumaBut I don't want to be fine, not if it means she's going to let go of my hand; not if it means we're going to go back to being polite strangers.
Tabitha SuzumaI love you inโin every kind of way.โ โI feel like that too . . .โ His voice is shocked and raw. โItโs โ itโs a feeling so big I sometimes think itโs going to swalow me. Itโs so strong I feel it could kil me. It keeps growing and I canโt โ I donโt know what to do to stop it. But โ but weโre not supposed to do this โ to love each other like this!
Tabitha SuzumaBut then why is it so terrible for me to be with the girl I love? Everyone one is permitted to have what they want, express their love as they please, without fear of harassment, ostracism, persecution, or even the law. Even emotionally abusive, adulterous relationships are often tolerated, despite the harm they cause others. In our progressive, permissive society, all these harmful, unhealthy types of "love" are allowed--but not ours.
Tabitha SuzumaThis is the definition of happiness: a whole day stretching out ahead of me, beautiful in its emptiness and simplicity.
Tabitha SuzumaThe words fire from my mouth like bullets, ricocheting off the walls before I can even register what I'm saying.
Tabitha SuzumaDo I realy regret that night? That one moment of joy beyond compare โ some people never experience it in a lifetime. But the downside to that taste of pure happiness is that,like a drug, a glimmer of paradise, it leaves you craving more.
Tabitha Suzumaonly a matter of time before it broke through our fragile web of denial, forcing us to confront the truth and acknowledge who we are: two people in love โ a love that nobody else could possibly understand.
Tabitha SuzumaAny guy, even imaginary, would just feel like second best. Second best to what? I don't even have an image of the perfect boyfriend. I just know he must exist. Because I have all these feelings-love, longing, wanting to be touched, dreaming of being kissed-yet no one to focus them on.
Tabitha Suzuma