Let Wall Street have a nightmare and the whole country has to help them back to bed again.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

It would drive a person crazy to dope out really what does divide the two parties. Prosperity don't divide the two parties, for under either administration the poor get poorer and the rich get richer.

No nation ever had two better friends that we have. You know who they are? The Atlantic and Pacific oceans.

I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.

Will Rogers used to say he wouldn't run for president no matter how badly the country needed a comedian.