Jimmy Fallon Quotes

Japan and South Korea are on high alert after North Korea successfully launched a long-range rocket. Both countries are surprised by North Korea's successful launch, but definitely not as surprised as North Korea.

New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there's no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates.

Hillary Clinton used a private email account to conduct official state business. Experts say that if this violates any federal rules, then she . . . will still be president.

My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They bought us bikes for Christmas but wouldn't let us ride in the street, we had to ride in the backyard. Another Christmas, my dad got me a basketball hoop and put it in the middle of the lawn! You can't dribble on grass.

When you were a kid, it [work in IBM] seemed like an awesome job. I'd get to go to work and have a briefcase. I loved how Dad wore a tie and got a car. I didn't know if all those things came together. I'd see my dad go off to work and we'd wait for him to come home, and we'd all be excited to see him.

The pipeline would run from Canada to the Gulf Coast. It'll be the biggest underground structure leading into the U.S. Then people in Mexico said, 'Eh . . . second biggest.'

When I was a kid, you would tune in to "The Tonight Show" before you went to sleep. Johnny Carson. A big treat. I know it's a privilege of mine to be able to be in people's homes. So I hope I make everyone proud, including my parents, and do a good job in this.

Bernie Sanders' presidential campaign announced that it raised over $1.5 million in the 24 hours after he announced his bid. Meanwhile, a 12-year-old on Kickstarter just raised $7 million in five minutes after announcing his idea for juice box water guns.

I like living with myself. I mean obviously, because here I am interviewing myself.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has been positioning himself to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. Hillary once developed a program to deliver rural healthcare, while de Blasio once dropped a groundhog on its head.

People ask me, Jimmy, howd you get here tonight. Lets just say it involved a two-hour make-out session with Elaine Stritch. It got pretty heavy actually, I almost had to host.

I don't even read the papers. I read 'USA Today' because it has color photos.

President Obama recently said that his day is all about politics, so in the mornings he likes to watch ESPN. So if you get the feeling he's repeating himself every half hour, that's where he learned it from.

Over on the Democratic side, Martin O'Malley recently spoke about the need for Wall Street reform and said that he isn't running for president to be quote, 'wined and dined' by executives. Then Chris Christie said, 'And I am also not running to be wined.'

Rick Perry said Donald Trump is unfit to be president and called for him to immediately withdraw from the race. Then he said, 'And that's coming from ME!'

Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House.

After facing backlash from customers, Subway says it will remove a chemical in its bread that is also found in yoga mats. Some people were like, 'You mean I've been eating a dangerous chemical?' While most people were like, 'You mean I can eat my yoga mat?'

In a speech in South Carolina, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham's personal cellphone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call.

I saw that Donald Trump is selling his penthouse suite at the Trump Park Avenue building here in New York City for $21 million. When asked why he's selling it now, Trump said 'Hey, Americans seem to be buying everything else I'm selling, so why not strike while the iron's hot.'

I didn't act like I was there. I just got into the story.

In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that one of the jobs that prepared her to be president was sliming fish in Alaska. As opposed to Bill, who learned by catching crabs in Cancun.

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is expected to announce tomorrow that he is running for president, making him Hillary Clinton's only Democratic challenger so far. Or as Hillary put it, 'Oooo, appetizers!'

Facebook revealed that Ebola was the most popular Facebook topic in the U.S. this year, with the World Cup coming in sixth. So welcome to America, where even Ebola is more popular than soccer.

Big news from last night's Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor.

Donald Trump's campaign has raised about $100,000 in donations during the second quarter. Which raises an important question: Who is giving Donald Trump money? That's like giving your money to a pile of money.

You only think of the best comeback when you leave.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans.

It would've been amazing [to work as programmer]. You're good at numbers, you're good with people, you like to wear shorts in the summertime.

Republican candidate George Pataki said his dogs would give him the best endorsement for becoming our next president. Until they hear Chris Christie always carries bacon in his pockets. (Joke's on them, though, he's never going to give them any of that pocket bacon. It's what gets him through long meetings!)

Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president.

A major Iowa newspaper published an op-ed against Trump calling him a 'self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard.' Or as Trump put it, 'You forgot very rich ... I'm a very rich, self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard. Very, very rich.'

Christine O'Donnell released a commercial in which she says, 'I'm not a witch.' That's pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent's slogan, 'I'm not Christine O'Donnell.'

During his weekly address to the nation, President Obama discussed higher education and said, 'The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.' Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, 'No it's not.'

I got every Dan Shaughnessy book known to man.

You've never had a job that you thought was secure. You don't think the Tonight Show is risk free. Especially when you saw what happened with your buddy Conan O'Brien. There is always a Plan B.I am ready to apply to the post office.

Donald Trump's not backing down. Yesterday he said he doesn't need to be lectured by the other Republican candidates, who he says have no business running for president. Not to be confused with Donald Trump, who ran for president and now has no business.

Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.' But because of Obama's tax plan, it's been re-titled 'Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.'

If you're going to do a Chris Christie joke, just say, 'Christie spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Then he turned to his friends and said, 'You guys want anything?'' That's a joke. I can't believe it. I caved in. I feel awful.

We have a really, really great dog. It doesn't bark. My dog almost smiles, which is weird. He's just a very happy dog.

Lincoln Chafee, former governor of Rhode Island, announced he's running for president. Before he announced he's running, his wife went on Facebook and asked his staff if they remembered his password. Because if a Facebook password is too hard to remember, the launch codes for the nukes should be a piece of cake.

Marco Rubio's presidential campaign has raised $40 million in the last week. When he heard that, Rubio said, 'Hey, any chance I can drop out of the race and just keep the 40 million?'

A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you.

There are reports that President Obama and his family may move to New York City after his term is over. Unfortunately, the city is so expensive, he's looking for another ex-president to be roommates with.

Congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds - or around 12 American dollars.

My dream was to grow up and get a job at IBM, like my dad. That seemed like a logical dream.

There are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term - because nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly.

Over the weekend it came out that the U.S. has been listening in on German Chancellor Angela Merkel's cellphone since 2002. At this point, I feel like the only world leader our government DOESN'T listen to is President Obama.