Are You Suffering from a Good Girl Syndrome: How to Recognize and Overcome the Trauma?

Good Girl Syndrome is a type of psychological trauma that is distinguished by several specific signs

Are You Suffering from a Good Girl Syndrome: How to Recognize and Overcome the Trauma?

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“Good girl syndrome”, also known as “Nice girl syndrome” is very common and often underestimated. As its name suggests, it mainly affects women but not exclusively.

Psychologists and experts describe the syndrome as a psychological trauma. And as such, it is most likely to have been acquired in early childhood and remain unrecognised for a long time.

How The Good Girl Syndrome emerges

There are several reasons why we may have gotten this syndrome. For generations, women have been brought up to believe that they should serve men on their path to success and happiness. Those women have been told that they must be obedient, kind, nice, quiet and have not had the opportunity to pay attention and importance to their own path to success and happiness. This may be one of the reasons for acquiring the syndrome.

Another reason is the childhood trauma. It may be the upbringing that the child must “earn” affection and love. "Do this or I won't love you" is a line that not a few people have heard from their parents. They were, of course, encouraged to bring home good grades, to be good girls, and punished when the opposite happened. Motivation and punishment in themselves can be successful approaches in educating a child. However, it is extremely important that the child always knows that he or she is unconditionally loved and never has to "earn" affection and care.

It is not impossible that similar trauma can be inflicted at an older age in certain circumstances in one's life and in one's relationships with others.

How to recognize The Good Girl Syndrome

Good girl syndrome can have a variety of manifestations in different aspects of a person's life. This underlying trauma can show up in our romantic relationships, in our sex life, in friendships, at work, and even in family. Rarely, however, can we recognize it ourselves.

Here are some of the signs that may suggest we are suffering from Good Girl Syndrome:

👉Low self-esteem - recognized in low self-confidence and underestimation of our own importance. The person with this trauma can write you a long list of everything they dislike about both their appearance and their character. However, the list of disliked qualities will be noticeably shorter.

👉The need for constant external approval - recognized in the compulsive need to be praised and appreciated and most of all in feeling bad when we are not praised or worse - criticized.

👉The need to be cared for and pleased -it is not about the common human need to be needed and wanted. It is about a compulsive desire to always be of service to others, and when we fail, to feel worthless.

👉Inability to say no - people with good girl syndrome rarely say no and if they accidentally do, they feel guilty afterwards.

👉Feeling guilty - this is different from the feeling we all have when we make a mistake. It's about feeling guilty about not being able to meet someone else's demands, do a great job, or even the risk of letting someone down. People with this trauma often take responsibility not only for their own mistakes, but for others' as well.

👉Increased self-criticism - It is good to have self-criticism, but like everything else in life, it too must be in moderation. However, the "good girl" knows no boundaries.

👉Lack of boundaries - people who suffer from this syndrome are willing to endure a lot, if not everything, to make others feel good and happy. They will never tell someone not to behave a certain way with them or set reasonable boundaries.

👉Neglecting one's own wants and needs - self-sacrifice is a must for people living with this trauma. They rarely think about their own needs and wants and never have a word when choosing a movie to watch, a destination to travel to, or anything else. They always put themselves last.

👉No principles, no purpose - the "good girl" does not only stand up for her desires, but also for her principles. This is another thing that is put in the background so as not to disturb others. You won't hear from them the lines "I don't do that", "I don't believe in that", "that goes against my understanding" and so on.

👉"I don't deserve it" is the way most trauma carriers feel. They feel they have to earn everything - the holidays, the money, the kind treatment from others and even the affection from others...

👉An inability to accept compliments, gifts and favors. This inability is also due to the feeling of "not deserving". People with Good Girl Syndrome do not know how to receive compliments and what to do with them. They feel even more uncomfortable when receiving gifts or favors from others. They are always looking for a way to "return the gesture."

👉Tiptoeing around everyone - so-called good girls often spend their lives in fear or at least worry lest they annoy, disturb or disappoint others. And if it ever does happen, they experience it severely.

👉"I have no opinion" - yes, exactly. The "good girls" rarely has an opinion, and even if they do, they'll keep it to themselves - after all, that's the only way they be able to avoid burdening anyone with their opinion, they won't have said something wrong, and most importantly, they won't have to confront someone who has a different opinion.

👉Fear of confrontation - the person who suffers from this trauma will do everything in their power to avoid any form of confrontation. For them, arguing with someone is one of the most horrible experiences and even if it comes to a quarrel, they will quickly quell it by agreeing with the opponent.

👉I can do better - there are all sorts of reasons for showing perfectionism. Just one of them is the good girl syndrome. But it is obligatory. A "good girls" can't help but be perfect too, and will always strive for that. And again - it's great to try to be the best version of ourselves. But the damage comes when we start beating ourselves up because we've failed.

The damage that "good girl" syndrome does to you: like all psychological traumas, this one inevitably manifests itself in different areas of its bearer's life. It does a lot of damage to oneself and is often an obstacle on the path to peace, happiness and success. Experts highlight the most common such damage:

❌Constant frustration - when a person has excessively high demands on themselves, coupled with low self-esteem and painful feelings of guilt, they will inevitably feel dissatisfied.

❌The constant need to please and look after others can lead to anxiety and depression, the experts warn.

❌Relationship problems - a person who suffers from this syndrome finds it difficult to build meaningful relationships. The habits and behavior patterns created based on the trauma interfere with both their victim and those around them. They can be overwhelming and even repulsive.

❌Problems in sex life - the "good girls" neglect themselves both in everyday life and in bed. They are willing to satisfy most of their partner's desires, but does not feel comfortable even talking about their needs and desires.

❌Inability to advance in career - such trauma could prevent its bearer from achieving professional success and advancing in work. They rarely assert themselves in the office, and promotion may be an unattainable goal.

❌Victim of manipulation - People with this trauma are often victims of manipulation and mistreatment. They tend to be patient and rarely think about their well-being. This is exactly why they are often prey to manipulators.

How to stop being the "good girl"

There are various techniques to overcome the psychological trauma inflicted. Many self-help books have been written on the subject and a number of interviews have been given. Psychologists and experts recommend that we should try to overcome our trauma when we recognize it. All it takes is a lot of determination and some courage. Here are a few approaches to do that.

✅The first step to solving the problem is acknowledging it.

✅Start putting yourself and your needs first. Clearly, it's not going to happen like a magic wand, given that your needs haven't mattered your whole life. So, start small. Next time you really want to watch a romantic comedy and your partner insists it's an action movie, try asserting your desire boldly.

✅Let go of responsibility - you don't always have to take the blame. It's commendable to take it when it's yours and to take responsibility for your actions. Few people can do that. But when responsibility is someone else's, don't reach for it, even if you want to.

✅Clearly understand what you like and don't like. You can't demand that someone conform to your desires if you don't know what they are. And if you suffer from good girl syndrome, you probably don't know. Give yourself some time in which to say, at least to yourself, what you like about yourself, what you want out of your life, what your goals and dreams are.

✅Start standing up for yourself. When you are clear about your goals and principles, you can start to stand up for them. Don't ignore them for someone else or for someone else's sake. You will feel good when you manage not to betray yourself.

✅Allow yourself to come into conflict. It's not about becoming a brawler who is always angry. It's about being able to overcome your fear of conflict. Allow yourself to get into at least one argument. Maybe you'll see it's not so scary.

✅Take the risk to be yourself and see what happens - they might not stop loving you, they might not abandon you, they might not give up on you. You might be surprised to find that many people appreciate and love you for the person you are.

✅Let others do things too. You don't have to do everything for everyone. Allow yourself to stop and rest and let others do things. It may be that they want to feel useful too.

✅Allow yourself some joy and fun. Give yourself a whole day where you have no chores, tasks or responsibilities. Watch movies, listen to music, read books, take walks, exercise, be lazy – do only those things what you really love. And don't let it be just one day.

✅Seek approval from yourself. Stop looking for approval in your parents, your friends, your co-workers, your neighbors, your dog... Sometimes the only approval you need is your own. Start looking for it.

Dealing with good girl syndrome may take time, but it is doable. You need to put effort into self-discovery and start appreciating yourself more, but the reward will be worth it.

*The article is informative and does not substitute professional medical advice or consultations with healthcare professionals.