Demetri Martin Quotes

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I love Steven Wright.

A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.