Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?
Greg GiraldoI've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.
Greg GiraldoA dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.
Greg GiraldoThe internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.
Greg GiraldoAmericans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.
Greg GiraldoPart of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, 'I better hit the books because this is not working out.
Greg GiraldoWe're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.
Greg GiraldoThe things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.
Greg Giraldo