An Innocent Joke or a Disguised Insult - 9 Signs That You Are a Victim of Passive Aggression

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An Innocent Joke or a Disguised Insult - 9 Signs That You Are a Victim of Passive Aggression

Създадено с DALL·E на OpenAI

Passive aggression often manifests itself in different relationships, no matter if we can recognize it. However, it leads to toxicity in relationships, creates tension in communication, and generally worsens the mood. What is this behavior actually?

Experts and psychologists describe passive aggression as the indirect expression of negative emotions - through concealment, denial, dissimulation, sarcasm, sabotage and other unpleasant displays. Passive-aggressive behavior can manifest itself in the office, at home, in relationships, and it is not always conscious.

Major manifestations of passive aggression may include:

Disguised insults/offensive compliments. The passive-aggressive person tends to insult others, but never does so directly, but through innuendo, sarcasm, or even condescension. Another standard manifestation of passive-aggression is making the paradoxical insulting compliments. Here are some examples:

Untypically good idea you have come up with
This garment is a good choice, considering your figure
Surprisingly funny joke
The task is easy, even for you
It's very brave to believe you can achieve this

Hints/ Problems with open communication. People who exhibit passive aggression have serious problems with open communication. They will not confront directly. Instead, they may drop hints, impute blame, and remind you of old mistakes.

Silence/ Ghosting. Passive-aggressive behavior is associated with a tendency to both gloss over relationship problems, for example, and literally remain silent. These people often say nothing during an argument or debate, but instead make it clear that they've got a problem with sighs, facial expressions, and other nonverbal ways. They also have another nasty habit - so-called "ghosting", which describes terminating a communication or online communication without explanation. It's common in chats when the person reads your message but doesn't respond for hours or at all.

Indirect Denials/Procrastinating. Passive aggression is often associated with unwillingness to perform set tasks and procrastinating. When you ask a passive-aggressive person to help with the dishes or to check off a task at the office, he or she may reluctantly take on the commitment but delay it as much as possible or simply not complete it.

Sabotage. The passive-aggressive person will not just postpone an assigned task or implement a "silent refusal" to do it, they may even try to sabotage it. Such sabotage is often applied to unpleasant tasks in the office or home, and also in relationships. For example, you may invite your loved one to come with you to the cinema to watch an interesting film, which, however, they don’t want to watch. In this example, the passive-aggressive person is unlikely to refuse you outright so you can make plans with someone else. Instead, they may postpone the date, constantly suggest other movies, or sabotage your desire to see it with a friend.

Sarcasm. Sarcasm is another negative quality that often goes hand in hand with passive aggression. These people will rarely confront you when they don't like something. However, they will make a sarcastic remark about you. And that can be more unpleasant than having a constructive argument.

Unwillingness to help or unfriendly behavior. Among the most repulsive traits associated with passive aggression is unfriendly behavior or lack of empathy. This makes passive-aggressive people seem mean, malicious, or unpleasant. And it is likely to alienate others.

Muttering under your nose or deliberately excluding someone from the conversation. We've already said that passive aggression is associated with problems in open communication. Often passive-aggressive people will try to say something without quite having said it. They may mumble under their nose and speak quietly so that it is not certain that they will be heard. Another trait of this behavior is to shut someone out of the conversation. For example, they may talk to a colleague about you so that you can hear them, but not include you in the conversation. Another example is when a passive-aggressive person deliberately selects topics with others that you simply can't engage in because they are distant or incomprehensible to you.

Wistful wishing. This is a common approach in communication of the passive-aggressive person. You'll recognize it by this type of cue:

I'd love to get that promotion, but for some reason I can't believe it.
It would be great to complete the project in three days, but I know you'll need at least five.
I wish I could rest like you, but I don't have that option.

And more recognizable lines of passive aggression:

Just a reminder
Don't take it personally, but...
Don't be mad at me, but...
As I've said repeatedly...
No offense, just kidding...
If you really want to do it...
You're very sensitive...
You should have...

Causes of Passive Aggression

When communicating with a passive-aggressive person, we are often too annoyed or overwhelmed by it to think about the reasons for their behavior. According to experts, however, passive aggression can arise because of factors in the person over which he or she has no control, or at least has not yet mastered. These may include:

Sadness or repressed anger. Like most reactions we all exhibit, passive aggressiveness can be due to processes that are going on inside us without our knowing. Often passive aggression can mask intense sadness or frustration in the person who is expressing it. Another cause of this behavior may be a deeply held anger toward something or someone that manifests in passive-aggressive behavior.

Intolerance of emotions in childhood and failure to manage them in adulthood. Many children are forbidden to show emotions at home or at least not looked upon with a kind eye, especially if they are boys. According to psychologists, such suppression of emotions at an early age, when character is being formed, can lead to a failure to control emotions in adulthood, and hence to passive-aggressive behavior.

Inability or unwillingness to confront. Many people have a fear of conflict, are reluctant to get into arguments, or don't know how to deal with their natural disagreement to another's opinion or actions at all. It is possible that this powerlessness to deal with conflict may be transformed precisely into passive aggression.

Insecurity. Another reason for avoiding open communication or possible conflicts is lack of confidence. It manifests itself when a person believes that his or her opinion is not important, not valuable or that in a certain environment, they have no right to express it. In those situations, it is possible that the internal conflict that this person is experiencing will again come out in the form of passive aggression.

How to communicate with passive-aggressive people?

Communicating with passive-aggressive people can be a real challenge. It is often overwhelming to others. Experts give us guidance on how to deal with passive aggression being applied to us. Here are some of them:

✅Attempt open dialogue. A first step toward communicating with a passive-aggressive person is to try to get past the innuendo and sarcasm and have an open conversation in which we call things by their real names.

✅Addressing the problem - this is actually part of the open dialogue. It is good to address the problem and explain to the person how their behavior makes us feel. It is important to do this in a friendly way, approaching with affection and understanding. 'Look, I know you probably have a reason for behaving like that/ saying that/ doing that, but that remark offends me/ makes me sad/ makes me tense...' Such a remark is a good start for an open conversation.

✅Interest in how they are. When the passive-aggressive person is close to us and we are holding on to them, it is important to try to support them rather than talk back. Given that they may be applying this passive aggression to mask their deep sadness or anger, it would be helpful to try to understand how they are feeling and show them that they are not alone in their negative emotions and can count on us. Such cues would be helpful:

There seems to be something wrong with you.
How are you?
What's bothering you?
You know you can share with me, right?

Another option is not to ask questions, just make statements:

Everything is fine.
You can share with me if you need to.
I know it's not easy for you.

✅Don't take it personally. This advice is extremely important when dealing with passive-aggressive people. They most likely exhibit this behavior towards everyone, it is rarely exclusive to us. It is important to realize that it has nothing to do with us, but with them and their behavioral issues. This will make it easier for us to respond appropriately to the situation.

✅Don't respond with the same. This is extremely difficult, because when we are communicating with a passive-aggressive person, our natural reaction would be to respond with exactly the same – passive aggression. However, this will not lead to anything good or constructive. On the contrary, it will make the relationship even more difficult and toxic. Monitor your reactions to such behavior and avoid responding in a similar manner.

✅Try to stay friendly or neutral. It's hard to remain well-intentioned in such communication, but that's what would give the passive-aggressive person an opportunity to open up and share. And this in turn would help them control their behavior. It takes a great deal of patience, which is worth exercising for a person we care about. However, if the passive-aggressive person is not close to us, but is simply an acquaintance or colleague, for example, it may be better to back off or remain neutral towards them.

One final tip - it is good to observe our own behavior. If we find signs of passive aggression in ourselves, we already know that we need to look for where the problem is coming from and try to resolve it. If we cannot deal with passive aggression in ourselves or others, we can also ask for professional help.