That's what gets me through the day. Knowing that I could do it. That I'm strong enough to do it and I can get it done.
Ned VizziniSome days I woke up and got out of bed and brushed my teeth like any normal human being; some days I woke up and laid in bed and looked at the ceiling and wondered what the hell the point was of getting out of bed and brushing my teeth like any normal human being.
Ned VizziniNo," mom says, looking at me in the eyes. "What's a triumph is that you woke up this morning and decided to LIVE. THAT'S a triumph. that's what you did today.
Ned VizziniI want my brain to slide back into the slot it was meant to be in, rest there the way it did before the fall of last year, back when I was young, witty, and my teachers said I had incredible promise.
Ned VizziniShe doesn't want to end up like me. At least I'm giving someone an example not to follow.
Ned VizziniI'm fine. Well, I'm not fine - I'm here." "Is there something wrong with that?" "Absolutely.
Ned VizziniAnd I could have died right then. And considering how things went, I really should have.
Ned VizziniWhat am I always going to do? I'm going to go home and freak out.I'm going to sit with my family and try not to talk about myself and what's wrong. Im going to try and eat. Then I'm going to try and sleep. I dread it. I can't eat and I can't sleep. I'm not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know?
Ned VizziniI don't owe people anything, and I don't have to talk to them any more than I feel I need to.
Ned VizziniI work. And I think about work, and I freak out about work, and I think about how much I think about work, and I freak out about how much I think about how much I think about work, and I think about how freaked out I get about how much I think about how much I think about work.
Ned VizziniSometimes I just think depression's one way of coping with the world. Like, some people get drunk, some people do drugs, some people get depressed. Because there's so much stuff out there that you have to do something to deal with it.
Ned VizziniI didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.
Ned VizziniI didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad.
Ned VizziniIt’s a huge thing, this Shift, just as big as I imagined. My brain doesn’t want to think anymore; all of a sudden it wants to do.
Ned VizziniI owe her everything and I love her and I tell her these days, although every time I say it, it gets a little diluted. I think you run out of I love yous.
Ned VizziniI feel dead, wasted, awful, broken and useless. It's not the kind of feeling you forget.
Ned VizziniI waste at least an hour every day lying in bed. Then I waste time pacing. I waste time thinking. I waste time being quiet and not saying anything because I'm afraid I'll stutter.
Ned VizziniI've started to think it must just be chemistry, in which case we're looking for the Shift and we haven't found it yet.
Ned VizziniSee, when you mess something up, you learn for the next time. It's when people compliment you that you're in trouble. That means they expect you to keep it up.
Ned VizziniIts so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That's above and beyond everything else, and it's not a mental complaint-it's a physical thing, like it's physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don't come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people's words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.
Ned VizziniIt’s tough to get out of bed; I know that myself. You can lie there for an hour and a half without thinking anything, just worrying about what the day holds and knowing that you won’t be able to deal with it.
Ned VizziniDr. Barney stared at me, his lips puckered. What was he so serious about? Who hasn’t thought about killing themselves, as a kid? How can you grow up in this world and not think about it?
Ned VizziniYou all right, man?' This should be my name. I could be like a super hero: You All Right Man. Ah...' I stumble. Don't bug Craig,' Ronny is like. 'He's in the Craig zone. He's Craig-ing out.
Ned VizziniBut some people have to get lucky just to live. And I never knew I could make anybody lucky.
Ned VizziniI wanted to tell people, "My depression is acting up today" as an excuse for not seeing them, but I never managed to pull it off.
Ned VizziniI'm glad you came here and got the help you needed," Neil says, and he shakes my hand in that way that people do in here to remind themselves that you're the patient and they're the doctor/volunteer/ employee. They like you, and they genuinely want you to do better, but when they shake your hand you feel that distance, that slight disconnect because they know that you're still broken somewhere, that you might snap at any moment.
Ned VizziniWe look into each other's eyes as we shake. His are still full of death and horror, but in them I see my face reflected, and inside my tiny eyes inside his, I think I see some hope.
Ned VizziniI should be a success and I'm not and other people- younger people- are. Younger people than me are on TV and getting their lives in order. I'm still a nobody. When am I going to not be a nobody?
Ned Vizzini