Brian Regan Quotes

Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother? What's the guy supposed to say?

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open TWO jars! I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars... cltaning, who KNOWS how many knives!?

It means a lot to me to have my kids like what I do. And that's why I limit them. But I don't want to put that pressure on them to be a fan of mine.

You can poke fun at some pretty difficult circumstances, and it's just a way to pop the bubble. I don't do that thing onstage usually, but offstage sometimes I might.

I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that. I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy talking plenty for everybody. "Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee, me, I couldn't tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me- Meee- Mee- Me- Me!" Beware the Me monster.

I don't take jokes from other people. It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything from anybody. Jokes are no different.

Be adaptable, flexible and never stop learning. The rate of change will never stop and neither should you.

Don't let dialog about your company happen without your perspective.

I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I'm lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?"

I was watchin' the news the other day, and I heard them talking about a criminal named Brian Regan same spelling and everything. He's gonna be in jail for the rest of his life. So I'm sitting there doing a crossword puzzle and all of a sudden I hear, It is unknown whether the charges against Brian Regan will lead to his execution. Guess I can put this down. Honey, did we pay that parking ticket?!

Hooked on Phonics worked for me.

A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about it later down the road.

I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're- (Pow!)- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?"

I don't know. I'd be a lot better off if I would've studied more when I was growing up, you know?

Go my favorite sports team go! Score a goal. Unit. Basket. Go squadron! Defeat the opponents soundly in this...skirmish.

I eat like a kid. I like Chief Boyardee. Their Ravioli, but they have some stuff I've never seen in the real Italian food world. You ever been in a nice Italian restaurant? Hi how are you? Ummm id like to start with a nice bottle of Chanti and a couple of Caesar Salads and umm I'm going to have the Beef a'ronni. And some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the lady.

You can microwave a Pop Tart. That just blew me away that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop Tart? A minute and a half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time? Listen, if you need to zap-fry your Pop Tarts before you head out the door, you might want to loosen up your schedule.

I try to be careful and put things in perspective. There are people who have challenging lives and work hard physically and mentally. I consider myself a lucky person because I get to go on stage and tell jokes for an hour. If I miss a connection here and there or my room isn't ready now and then? It's not a big deal.

I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve.

The bigger the show, the weirder it is.

I'm trying to do things I have never done. Like I recently went to 3 different ballets. And I loved trying to learn how to like those a little bit.

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like Mom did you read this?

So when you do board, the first class people, they're sitting there. A lot of them are working as your boarding. They have computers out and calculators. They're looking up at you like, Hey, we're making money right now!

I'm honored that other comedians like what I do. That means the world to me. But at the same time when I'm on stage I'm not just trying to make the comedians laugh - I'm also trying to make the audience laugh. I want to make everybody laugh.

Do not stand directly in front of a cannon...how true that is.

Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.

A lot of the kind of comedy that I do comes out of real human moments. For them to work, they have to be truthful kinds of things that people in the audience can go, "Yes, I've experienced that myself!"

I try my jokes onstage. The only way to really find out if something is going to work is to try it on stage, and I try to be careful and bookend something new with a strong bit before and a strong bit afterwards. But it's fun to run on virgin snow. I like that feeling onstage of creating new footprints and not knowing what's going to happen.

How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today."

The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure there's no corn growing. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes-but there's more money in not growing corn."

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

The ultimate objective [of comedy] is to get a laugh, so if you can get a laugh off the fact that you did not get a laugh, then you've kinda saved the moment. Other professions don't have that luxury. You don't want to hear a brain surgeon say, "Man, am I so stupid! I cut on the wrong side of your head!!"

Every comedian works differently. Some comedians might do just observational stuff and they don't do anything personal, and other people.. everything they do is personal and they don't do any observational stuff at all. There's no right or wrong, it's just that everybody picks their own approach.

I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter. ... "I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!"

You see weird things driving... I've never understood log trucks. Sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway... I don't understand that. I mean, if they need logs over there... and they need 'em over there, you'd think a phone call would save 'em a whole lot of trouble.

I just tend to think about everyday things for my onstage act. Actually you know what I like to talk about just the absolute most - the more mundane the subject matter, the more interesting it is to me.

I am happy doing standup so I don't ever want to stop doing it. But I wouldn't mind venturing off and doing other things that are creative.

The funnest jokes for me to tell are the ones that are the newest. So I'm just constantly motivated to keep my eyes and ears open and have new stuff.

I like to go on stage with a variety, with some stuff that's been around for a handful of years, some stuff from the last year, some stuff is from last week, and some stuff is brand spanking new. Those are the moments that excite me - when I'm coming up to a brand new bit. The more virgin the snow, the more fun it is to run on.

I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.

The only way I'd want to do something in television would be if it was about how I think as a comedian. I'd need to be able to be a creator. That's what I enjoy - I enjoy coming up with comedy, so it'd be very difficult for me to be sitting in a room and have somebody come in and say, "Here's your script! Learn these lines!" That's not fun. At least not for me.

If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit an Indian community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.

I went to the juice isle, I learned something. Cranberries are taking over everything. What do you got, apples? Put some cranberrise in there, make it 50/50. Cran-apple. Grapes? Cran-grape. Mangos? Cran-mango. Pork chops? Cran-chop!

You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.

I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars.