Tom Lehrer Quotes

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They love us everywhere we go. So when in doubt, send the Marines.

Tom Lehrer

Disclaimer: If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I ever said it.

Tom Lehrer

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.

Tom Lehrer

Alas, irreverence has been subsumed by mere grossness, at least in the so-called mass media. What we have now - to quote myself at my most pretentious - is a nimiety of scurrility with a concomitant exiguity of taste.

Tom Lehrer

The civil liberties types who are fighting this issue have to fight it, owing to the nature of the laws, as a matter of freedom of speech and stifling of free expression and so on. But we know what's really involved, dirty books are fun. That's all there is to it. But you can't get up in a court and say that.

Tom Lehrer

The reason most folksongs are so atrocious is that they were written by the people.

Tom Lehrer

If I can't get people to commit themselves on whether or not there is a square root of two, then I won't touch on God or anything here

Tom Lehrer

The audience usually has to be with you, I'm afraid. I always regarded myself as not even preaching to the converted, I was titillating the converted.

Tom Lehrer

Bad weather always looks worse through a window.

Tom Lehrer

Irreverence is easy - whats hard is wit.

Tom Lehrer

The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines...I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirize George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporize them. And that's not funny....OK, well, if I say that, I might get a shock laugh, but it's not really satire.

Tom Lehrer

You cant be satirical and not be offensive to somebody.

Tom Lehrer

From the three, you then use one to make eight ones. You add those ones to the three, and you get one-three base eight, or, in other words, In base ten you have eleven, and you take away seven. And seven from eleven is four. Now go back to the sixty-fours, you're left with two.

Tom Lehrer

I always like to make explicit the fact that before I went off not too long ago to fight in the trenches, I was a mathematician by profession. I don't like people to get the idea that I have to do this for a living. I mean, it isn't as though I had to do this, you know, I could be making, oh, three thousand dollars a year just teaching.

Tom Lehrer

I'm very proud of myself on my, whatever the literacy is, I'm pretentious, totally pretentious. I like to say 'hmm', for example.

Tom Lehrer

Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

Tom Lehrer

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

Tom Lehrer

No one is more dangerous than someone who thinks he has "The Truth". To be an atheist is almost as arrogant as to be a fundamentalist. But then again, I can get pretty arrogant.

Tom Lehrer

The audiences like to think that satire is doing something. But, in fact, it is mostly to leave themselves satisfied. Satisfied rather than angry, which is what they should be.

Tom Lehrer

Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days, in books and plays and movies, Is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love: husbands and wives who can't communicate, Children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on, And in real life, I might add, spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up!

Tom Lehrer

Counting in octal is just likst counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs.

Tom Lehrer

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

Tom Lehrer

I ache for the touch of your lips dear, but much more for the touch of your whips dear.

Tom Lehrer

To me, being funny is more important than making a point, but I don't know. Most politicians are so interested in making points that they don't ... I'd rather be funny myself, and I'd rather listen to somebody with a little sense of humor.

Tom Lehrer

I have always found it interesting... that there are people who regard copyright infringement as a form of flattery.

Tom Lehrer

You can make fun with Saddam Hussein jokes ... but you can't make fun of, say, the concentration camps. I think my target was not so much evil, but benign stupidity people doing stupid things without realising or, instead, thinking they were doing good.

Tom Lehrer

Some of you may have met mathematicians and wondered how they got that way.

Tom Lehrer

Filth, I'm glad to say, is in the mind of the beholder. When correctly viewed, everything is lewd.

Tom Lehrer

I find that if you take the various popular song forms to their logical extremes, you can arrive at almost anything from the ridiculous to the obscene-or, as they say in New York, sophisticated.

Tom Lehrer
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