Artie Lange Quotes

For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.

It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.

My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.

In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

I'm a comic, so I like to stay nocturnal. I work 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.