Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

My wife gives good headache.