Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.