Tim Vine Quotes

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.