Terry Pratchett Quotes

Some people think this is paranoia, but it isn't. Paranoids only think everyone is out to get them. Wizards know it.

He hated games they made the world look too simple. Chess, in particular, had always annoyed him. It was the dumb way the pawns went off and slaughtered their fellow pawns while the king lounged about doing nothing. If only the pawns would've united ... the whole board could've been a republic in about a dozen moves.

The price of being the best is having to be the best.

Two types of people laugh at the law: those that break it and those that make it.

Stop stealing the funeral meats right now, you wee scuggers!" She shouted. The Feegles stopped and stared at her. Then Rob Anybody said: "Socks wi'oot feets?

What's a philosopher?' said Brutha. Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head.

Sometimes the truth is arrived at by adding all the little lies together and deducting them from the totality of what is known.

Aziraphale. The Enemy, of course. But an enemy for six thousand years now, which made him a sort of friend.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I can see we're going to get along like a house on fire," said Miss Tick. "There may be no survivors.

It's the end game that people dread and that's what I'm scared of

I'm glad a genre writer has got a knighthood, but stunned that it was me.

Certainly the Americans want to buy rights, but have no idea what to do with them.

Were you proposing to shoot these people in cold blood, sergeant?" "Nossir. Just a warning shot inna head, sir.

We're philosophers. We think, therefore we am.

TV people in the UK... I'm getting on a lot better with them.

If you don't know when to be a human being, you don't know when to be a witch.

Everyone should occasionally break the law in some small and delightful way. It's good for the hygiene of the brain.

And the people next door oppress me all night long. I tell them, I work all day, a man's got to have some time to learn to play the tuba. That's oppression, that is. If I'm not under the heel of the oppressor, I don't know who is.

Whatever you choose, your choice will mean there are two new worlds. And perhaps sometimes, on the edge of sleep, we will see the shadow of the other world. There will be no unhappy memories.

Even a really bad creator would at least have started with Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Surprise.

It had a very long pendulum, and the pendulum swung with a slow tick-tock that set his teeth on edge, because it was the the kind of delibrate, annoying ticking that wanted to make it abundantly clear that every tick and every tock was stripping another second off your life.

Poets have tried to describe Ankh-Morpork. They have failed. Perhaps it's the sheer zestful vitality of the place, or maybe it's just that a city with a million inhabitants and no sewers is rather robust for poets, who prefer daffodils and no wonder. So let's just say that Ankh-Morpork is as full of life as an old cheese on a hot day, as loud as a curse in a cathedral, as bright as an oil slick, as colourful as a bruise and as full of activity, industry, bustle and sheer exuberant busyness as a dead dog on a termite mound.

They think written words are even more powerful,’ whispered the toad. ‘They think all writing is magic. Words worry them. See their swords? They glow blue in the presence of lawyers.

No matter what she did with her hair it took about three minutes for it to tangle itself up again, like a garden hosepipe in a shed [Which, no matter how carefully coiled, will always uncoil overnight and tie the lawnmower to the bicycles].

You can't trample infidels when you're a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

Nanny Ogg looked under her bed in case there was a man there. Well, you never knew your luck.

The author can always delve into his own personality and find aspects of himself with which he can dress his characters.

If the government ever imposes a tax on books - and I wouldn't put it past them - I'm in dead trouble.

Find the story, Granny Weatherwax always said. She believed that the world was full of story shapes. If you let them, they controlled you. But if you studied them, if you found out about them... you could use them, you could change them.

If he'd been a hero, he would have taken the opportunity to say, "That's what I call sorted!" Since he wasn't a hero, he threw up.

Never build a dungeon you wouldn't be happy to spend the night in yourself. The world would be a happier place if more people remembered that.

The universe clearly operates for the benefit of humanity. This can be readily seen from the convenient way the sun comes up in the morning, when people are ready to start the day.

It's beautiful," said Mort softly. "What is it?" THE SUN IS UNDER THE DISC, said Death. "Is it like this every night?" EVERY NIGHT, said Death. NATURE'S LIKE THAT. "Doesn't anyone know?" ME. YOU. THE GODS. GOOD, ISN'T IT? "Gosh!" Death leaned over the saddle and looked down at the kingdoms of the world. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, he said, BUT I COULD MURDER A CURRY.

Perhaps the magic would last, perhaps it wouldn't. But then again, what does?

So, mistletoe, in fact, symbolizes mistletoe.

You were the kind of kid who couldn't see the difference between throwing rocks at a cat and setting it on fire.

I don't think I've ever been critical of the money Douglas Adams makes, especially since, as has been tactfully pointed out, I myself have had to change banks having filled the first one up.

No it's not!" said Constable Visit. "Atheism is a denial of a god." "Therefore It Is A Religious Position," said Dorfl. "Indeed, A True Atheist Thinks Of The Gods Constantly, Albeit In Terms of Denial. Therefore, Atheism Is A Form Of Belief. If The Atheist Truly Did Not Believe, He Or She Would Not Bother To Deny.

The people who really run organizations are usually found several levels down, where it is still possible to get things done.

And then there were cats, thought Dog. He'd surprised the huge ginger cat from next door and had attempted to reduce it to cowering jelly by means of the usual glowing stare and deep-throated growl, which had always worked on the damned in the past. This time they had earned him a whack on the nose that had made his eyes water. Cats, Dog considered, were clearly a lot tougher than lost souls. He was looking forward to a further cat experiment, which he planned would consist of jumping around and yapping excitedly at it. It was a long shot, but it just might work.

Ordinary fortune-tellers tell you what you want to happen; witches tell you what’s going to happen whether you want it to or not. Strangely enough, witches tend to be more accurate but less popular.

If you try to to take my bananas from me, I will reclaim them from your cold dead hands.

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was. Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.

Do not act incautiously when confronting a little bald wrinkly smiling man!

When Mister Safety Catch Is Not On, Mister Crossbow Is Not Your Friend.

Everything makes sense a bit at a time. But when you try to think of it all at once, it comes out wrong.

He talks pretty big for a gutter wizard," he muttered. "You don't understand at all," said the wizard wearily. "I'm so scared of you my spine has turned to jelly, it's just that I'm suffering from an overdose of terror right now. I mean, when I've got over that then I'll have time to be decently frightened of you.