Nick Offerman Quotes

Shut your damn mouth.

When it comes to marijuana, I think it's ridiculous to live in a country that espouses freedom, liberty and equality, yet won't follow through on a philosophy that says: "If it's not hurting anybody or their property, you can do any goddamn thing you want."

If I had to pick one form of acting, it would be live theater. That's where I started; that's where I became a man, I think I'm still finishing up that job.

My wife happens to be probably the greatest working woman in comedy. I can't think of anyone who even approaches her achievements and her abilities.

I'm enjoying the opportunity that Parks And Recreation affords me to exploit my own soapbox agenda, which is to try to encourage people to make things with their hands.

Once you have a PhD, every meeting you go to becomes a doctor's appointment.

I've learned through experience that to trouble celebrities with my handshake doesn't do anybody any good.

When I got to Los Angeles, I started building cabins in peoples’ yards, building post-and-beam structures and cutting the joinery for those.

I am a saxophone player.

People keep referring to me as a standup, and that just doesn't sit well with me because a lot of my friends are standups and they're brilliant at writing jokes, and I'm not.

I have a Kenwood charcoal grill. In our house, if anybody is cooking, it's me. I love making burgers. I love making pork tenderloin. Lamb chops I do on the grill a lot. But you just can't beat brats.

I'm very hairy, and men in film and TV are no longer allowed to be hairy.

It's funny, growing up there was never anybody around me with any kind of artistic bent.

The fact that I have a job that people even watch is an incredible gift.

I think what makes so many other actors miserable is focusing completely on making other plans. They're obsessed with their haircut and their headshot and their agent, their IMDB profile or whatever.

Your dreams are always going to seem much more profound to you then they are to your friend.

Figure out what you love to do, then figure out how to get paid to do it.

The ultimate disguise is nothing. Nudity.

I think all these great comforts that come from the human condition of trying to make things easier on ourselves also have these pitfalls, where things become so easy that we forget how enjoyable building a fence can be.

I worked a lot in Chicago's theater scene as a fight choreographer. And so I do have a lot of experience in stage combat and also in Kabuki dance and Kabuki theater.

Meat is a big deal in my life. I do love breakfast food, but I don't think that's extraordinary. I'm a normal American. We love eggs and meat and potatoes and gravy.

If you want to be happy in life, consider yourself a student. Every day of your life, think: how can I improve?

Technically, we're all half centaur.

Whatever it is you like to do, that's the sexiest part of you.

If you always have something in your life that you're trying to improve upon, then every day you have a reason to get out of bed, and you have a reason to achieve something and feel good.

I feel it's important to point out that I've earned my humility by being a jackass - like, I trip and fall on my face and say, "Oh, right. Don't think you're a big shot, because you've got a bloody nose now." So it's hard to say.

When I use weed creatively, I'm much better at drawing or making something or playing music. But what I do for a living is mostly performing as an actor or writing, and for those things I need to have my faculties sharp.

My uncles, who are farmers in Minooka, Illinois - I grew up with them and their pickup trucks and mustaches, and to me that was masculinity: big hairy sweaty guys who could pick up a bus.

When I hear young people today complain about being bored - and the things that keep them from being bored are generally exclusively videogames and/or computer pastimes - I just try to encourage them to go outside.

No matter how you decide to spend a little more time on your gestures of giving, the point is just quite simply that you do.

I first read Wendell Berry's short-story collections, "Fidelity" and then "Watch with Me." They just knocked my socks off. The characters and the fellowship of the small town reminded me of my own small town in Illinois.Then I discovered that, much like J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis, that all of Berry's fiction was centered in this same town.

I would like Americans to make things with their hands. Thomas Jefferson and I feel that makes for a much stronger nation.

I'm always pleased that I managed to stay out of jail throughout my tenure in Chicago.

I've had to learn and discipline myself that I'm much happier and much less depressed if I give myself a project. It's just that simple.

I also grew up building theatrical scenery. I spent many years building scenery as a large part of my income and that allowed me to really develop my shop skills.

If your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt.