Dana Gould Quotes

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.