Dana Gould Quotes

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

Being funny is not the same as being happy.

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!