Chelsea Handler Quotes

In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about — what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.

People who have experience and credentials, they should be talking about that [Donald Trump presenting on TV]. I know everybody cares about ratings, but come on. The whole world is watching.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

David Hasselhoff was hospitalized after falling off the wagon again. He probably got used to drinking too much, because for years he never had to worry about driving anywhere - his car drove itself.

George Clooney and Fabio apparently got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend. George thought the women with Fabio were taking pictures of him. How embarrassed is George Clooney to be in a fight with Fabio? Who is he going to call out next, Lorenzo Lamas?

I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.

I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him.

I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.

You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.

There's tons of information on the Internet, so if you type in cancer, they'll give you 15, 000 different options to get involved with cancer. It's very easy to get involved if you want to get involved, especially to volunteer your time.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?

That's the problem in my industry. Anyone can go and open a f - ing hotel. Anyone can go and buy a restaurant. It's not like a doctor or a lawyer, you need certain qualifications. That's the issue.

I couldn't go any higher with three Michelin stars. I mastered my craft. I'm still learning and picking up ideas.

We set up a bakery called Bad Boy Bakery, to cook on the inside to sell on the outside. It was huge, because it got them working. I'd give them a certificate to go back in the community with a skill. They could get a job. We set up a little bakery and it's gone crazy. I need to be that raw to do the glossy stuff. I need to get back to that kind of scenario.

I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Don't take 'no' for an answer. Keep knocking down walls until someone says 'yes.'

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.