Chelsea Handler Quotes

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

Absolutely I'm going to be talking about it, because it's in the zeitgeist and it's happening. It's an election year. It's the biggest election. Every election is a big election, so whenever anybody says that it kinds of grates me, but it's a fiasco. It's turned into a complete circus act, so of course you have to make fun of it, but responsible journalists definitely are being irresponsible. They're giving [Donald Trump] so much air time.

I like to laugh. It's kind of escapism. I like to make people laugh. And I kind of like people just to have to not think about anything

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.

I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something.

If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.

I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like drinking non alcoholic vodka.

Obviously you want to be smart enough to take other people's advice and take that into consideration, and obviously try to surround yourself with people that are smarter than you. As far as sticking to your guns, I think there is no better advice than to just find something that you really give a s - about and then go do it.

The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.

I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides.

Amy Winehouse's mother wrote an open letter to the News of the World newspaper telling Amy she's worried about her and to please call her. I doubt this is the best way to communicate with Amy - she should try spelling it out in lines of cocaine.

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.

I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.

I think reality television, unless it's inspirational, which it very rarely is, I think it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing state of affairs that we're in.

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have breasts we can't show them?

I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.

Being that frank and being that open, there's more praise than there is negativity. It's just the negativity gets printed because you're straight and f - ing rude. It's not rude, it's just getting straight to the point.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo's football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It's a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they're making his name look bad.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!

Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a radio opportunity.

You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.

A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it.

I haven't been manipulated. I did a documentary in prison years ago because I was so f - ed off with those lazy bastards in their bed for 18 hours a day, five dishes a day on a menu to choose from, playing soccer every day, going to the gym, watching movies.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

It's unfiltered conversation and I love it. I also like to argue with children, so it's the perfect platform for me.

How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.

We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.

I think everyone's afraid of public speaking. There have been times where I've come out of my own show and been like, 'Oh, God, what am I doing?' . . . You have to remind yourself that 'OK, I'm kind of a badass. I can handle it.'

I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.

I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.

I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.

I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life.