Doug Stanhope Quotes

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do... which sucked a lot.

I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has such or such a predominant passion, that he will act invariably and consequentially in pursuit of it. No, we are complicated machines; and though we have one main spring that gives motion to the whole, we have an infinity of little wheels, which, in their turns, retard, precipitate, and sometime stop that motion.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.