Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.
Doug StanhopeComplaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
Doug StanhopeWhen I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.
Doug StanhopeChild pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.
Doug StanhopeI was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
Doug StanhopeWhat if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
Doug StanhopeI'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.
Doug StanhopeParalympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
Doug StanhopeJust for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.
Doug StanhopePot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.
Doug StanhopeYou're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with.
Doug StanhopeIt is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject; for I have known people, who have not said one word, hear ignorantly and absurdly; it has appeared by their inattentive and unmeaning faces.
Doug StanhopeEverybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.
Doug StanhopeYou forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
Doug StanhopeWe have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.
Doug StanhopeMy mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.
Doug StanhopeI have no answers, but every day I wish I could have the same point of view for any 24-hour period. I wish I was in some system where I don't constantly question myself.
Doug StanhopeI'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
Doug StanhopeI was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.
Doug StanhopeWhen you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
Doug StanhopeAll illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!
Doug StanhopeI drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.
Doug StanhopeAmerica takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.
Doug StanhopeIf you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
Doug StanhopeCanada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.
Doug StanhopeThe key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
Doug StanhopeI love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.
Doug StanhopeYour sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
Doug StanhopeAbject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.
Doug StanhopeYou say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?
Doug StanhopeThe revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.
Doug StanhopeComedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.
Doug Stanhope