Woody Allen Quotes

I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

You use sex to express every emotion except love.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.

When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

I can't even make a leap of faith to believe in my own existence.

Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it."

I want to return to the womb, anyone's.

There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

My heart says one thing. My head says another. Very hard to get your heart and head together in life.

My brain? It's my second favorite organ!

I never thought I was doing anyone a favour by bringing children into the world. With people as cruel to each other as they are, it's a terrible proposition. The best of lives are sad and tragic. The best of them. My general conclusion is that it's not a nice thing to do. The world doesn't need it. The kid doesn't need it.

I think it's my job or the artist's job, to try and find some solution or some reason to accept things. But given the grimmest reality, I feel the grimmest facts are the real facts, the true facts: that you're born, you die, you suffer, it's to no purpose, and you're gone forever, ever, ever, and that's it.

I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysenery.

No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

My experience creatively is different than my experience in life, for, as my father would say, the simple reason that you can't get hurt when everything goes wrong creatively.

With me; it's just a genetic dissatisfaction with everything.

If you pursue the other woman, it's a losing situation and it's not good for your relationship or your marriage. If your marriage is open and you're allowed to, that's no good either. There's no way, really in the end, to be happy unless you get very lucky.

I always write the same way. I always write with a yellow pad and a ballpoint pen on my bed. And then I go and type it up afterwards. I've always done that. Those things become habitual.

None of the arts are any good unless you really are great at them.

I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school. I like to be taught to read and write and add and then be left alone.

Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.

My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.