David Spade Quotes

I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.

I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.

Don't make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they're 5-years old! It's really not the place or the time. You're about 11 years early.

It's so crazy in Hollywood.

I talk to my dad all the time, he's more like my buddy than my father, and he's not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this.

I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.

No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.

Now that I have the opportunities to do a lot, I want to do less.

When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.

I never dated much in high school or college.

It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird.

I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, Scream all you want, sugar. Ain't nobody gonna hear you!

I'm always making fun of myself and my friends.

Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.

My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators.

My career is just kind of crazy.

Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't!

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.

I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.

There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

I have two skateboards, but I don't get to use them much. I have a snowboard, which I've never used.

If I try to cover too much ground, you start to get watered down and less interesting.

I just don't like to go out and deal with the real world. It's scary.

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.

I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.

It's hard to have a career.

Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.

A friend of Nicole Ritchie told the New York Post that Nicole is definitely pregnant.