Dylan Moran Quotes

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

In the same way, there is some creature gnawing away inside of me, urging me to do things in different ways.

Have I had therapy? I went to a yoga class once.

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?!

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

I grew up in a house where there was lots of teasing and language play and laughter; it was very important. When I was a teenager, you wouldn't go to a bar and find lots of televisions everywhere. People were talking. Talk was the mental fire you would gather around in the evening. It occupied a big part of your existence.

The sensible thing for everyone to do would be to write all their op-eds and think pieces now so they're ready the day after the election when [Donald] Trump is no longer in the picture. God, I can't wait for that. I hope he just goes away.

Two young, fit, healthy attractive people in love? There’s nothing worse to look at in the world.

Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

I've been writing since I was very young, even before I was a teenager. As far as I'm concerned, I am a writer - whether my writing's spoken or written in a blog, paper, book or printed on the side of a submarine.

I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.

I've seen stand up comedy, and after a while you start to notice that a lot of people are doing things that are like a lot of other people. There can be a bit of a herd mentality, and that's obviously less interesting because there's less going on. I'm just being totally frank with you.

I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.

Maybe this is just me, but as time goes by, I'm more bewildered by modernity. It gets more unfathomable with every passing year.

I have used that song ["50ft Queenie"] and I'm a big PJ Harvey fan. I think she's fantastic.

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

I'm not drunk onstage, although I've done that a couple of times when I was younger. It's partly just the way I talk - I talk like somebody in a rocking chair. I'm your 150-year-old grandmother.

You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it's an organism that's half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is!

I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I'm not too good!

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

I’ve always been a big consumer of American journalism over the years and had an interest in the history of it and of the press in America; how it has changed.

I'm delighted to make as many people feel ashamed as possible. There's probably a site like that for everybody. I've heard Newt Gingrich has his own as well.

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'

The East is very mysterious to Westerners. Even post-Cold War, it's still an unknown entity.

Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.

Men don't know anything! Men don't know when their lives became so entirely awful, when everyone else turned into such a tosser! A man does not know how he came by the half a pie he is holding in his hand. And scientists - those frauds - seize on this, and try to use it as proof of the mysteries of human consciousness and the unknowable nature of the brain, which is rubbish!

Home gigs can be hard because it's an odd collision. More than anything, I feel self-conscious when my family are in the audience. I'm doing this job which is not quite acting - part of it is me, part performance. You're presenting a cartoon of yourself to people who know you as a line-drawing.

You can see desperation in people who are too eager to laugh because they're in such a hurry not to look at what's confronting them in their lives and that's kind of sad because there's a kind of pornographic aspect to it, of making some sort of pain go away, of hovering around a pain, making yourself numb, not feel anything.

I do pauses, pauses work for me

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.

I don't know that you're able to measure your aggregate wisdom as you go through life. I can't say that I ever feel that I'm sitting on top of a growing mound of wisdom.

As an Irish person, there's a historical fascination with America: America is the default green and promised land for Irish people and Italians; that's what we grow up with.

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

I'm really not big on nationalism, to be honest with you. I really don't think it gets people anywhere except near a pile of dead bodies. I'm Irish, yeah, but I don't need to get up on a soapbox about it.

Nothing can make me feel better now, except cocaine.

Everybody does that now. We all take pics... you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture 'cause you’re too busy recording it; so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.

America's work ethic is non-stop; it's not even enshrined in law that workers have to get their two weeks holiday money. But Americans work harder than everyone else I can think of.

America is this incredible mosaic of immigrants, so people really want to be anchored in some kind of culture as well as the one they are living in.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy.

People do need a social license to go, "Ha ha ha," and have a good time. It's a strange thing. There's a lot of social ritual around comedy and laughter. It's a bonding experience for groups, but nobody can tell you much about how funny somebody is. Sometimes people just need to be in a group and be laughing together, just like they need to be in a group in watching some really terrifying film.

I know there's similar dissatisfaction in America. There's a lot of white people who come from blue collar backgrounds and who feel ill-equipped and badly served by modern economics and the modern job market.

There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There's the other one, you know, where you go "Ga... bt... Jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga... ba... ah, actually that's not that bad, that is. It's quite nice."