Mark Twain Quotes

If you take epitaphs seriously, we ought to bury the living and resurrect the dead.

By his father he is English, by his mother he is Americanto my mind the blend which makes the perfect man.

None of us can have as many virtues as the fountain-pen, or half its cussedness; but we can try.

She kept up her compliments, and I kept up my determination to deserve them or die.

I haven't any right to criticize books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

Of the 417 commandments, only a single one of the 417 has found ministerial obedience; multiply and replenish the earth. To it sinner & saint, scholar & ignoramus, Christian & savage are alike loyal.

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

It is not best to use our morals weekdays, it gets them out of repair for Sunday.

Can it be possible that the painters make John the Baptist a Spaniard in Madrid and an Irishman in Dublin?

Jim said that bees won't sting idiots, but I didn't believe that, because I tried them lots of times myself and they wouldn't sting me.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

On with dance, let joy be unconfined, is my motto; whether there's any dance to dance or any joy to unconfined.

The moral of it is this: If you are of any account, stay at home and make your way by faithful diligence; but if you are 'no account,' go away from home, and then you will have to work, whether you want to or not. Thus you become a blessing to your friends by ceasing to be a nuisance to them-if the people you go among suffer by the operation.

Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail. What you gain at one end you lose at the other. It's like feeding a dog on his own tail. It won't fatten the dog.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

Additional problems are the offspring of poor solutions.

The solution to our water problems is more rain.

But we are all insane, anyway ... The suicides seem to be the only sane people.

Patriotism is merely a religion-love of country, worship of country, devotion to the country's flag and honor and welfare.

I'm the only person who has ever found the right way to build an autobiography.

The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindness--your scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture....He takes upon himself to be the week-day preacher.

Morals consist of political morals, commercial morals, ecclesiastical morals, and morals.

George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.

War talk by men who have been in a war is always interesting; whereas moon talk by a poet who has not been in the moon is likely to be dull.

The spirit of Christianity proclaims the brotherhood of the race and the meaning of that strong word has not been left to guesswork, but made tremendously definite - the Christian must forgive his brother man all crimes he can imagine and commit, and all insults he can conceive and utter - forgive these injuries how many times? - seventy times seven - another way of saying there shall be no limit to this forgiveness. That is the spirit and the law of Christianity.

Dance like nobody's looking.

Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.

I am an anti-imperialist. I am opposed to having the eagle put its talons on any other land.

I have learned that human existence is essentially tragic. It is only the love of God, disclosed and enacted in Christ, that redeems the human tragedy and makes it tolerable. No, more than tolerable. Wonderful.

It now seems plain to me that that theory ought to be vacated in favor of a new and truer one...the Descent of Man from the Higher Animals.

A jay hasnt got any more principle than a Congressman. A jay will lie, a jay will steal, a jay will deceive, a jay will betray; and four times out of five, a jay will go back on his solemnest promise.

They do say that when a man starts down hill everybody is ready to help him with a kick, and I suppose it is so.

Two things seemed pretty apparent to me. One was that in order to be a pilot a man had to learn more than any one man ought to learn; and the other was that he must learn it all over again in a different way every 24 hours.

It was the most earnest ambition I ever had....Not that I ever really wanted to be a preacher, but because it never occurred to me that a preacher could be damned. It looked like a safe job.

A little lie can travel half way 'round the world while Truth is still lacing up her boots.

I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening to an unfamiliar opera.

In the real world, nothing happens at the right place at the right time. It is the job of journalists and historians to correct that.

Whatever thing men call great, look for it in Joan of Arc, and there you will find it.

Benefit of clergy: Half-rate on the railroad.

God cures and the doctor sends the bill.

When you feel like tellin a feller to go to the devil - tell him to go to Chicago - it'll anser every purpose, and is perhaps, a leetle more expensive.

He was sunshine most always-I mean he made it seem like good weather.

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

I am able to say that while I am not ruggedly well, I am not ill enough to excite an undertaker.

Where was the use, originally, in rushing this whole globe through in six days? It is likely that if more time had been taken in the first place, the world would have been made right, and this ceaseless improving and repairing would not be necessary now. But if you hurry a world or a house, you are nearly sure to find out by and by that you have left out a towhead, or a broom-closet, or some other little convenience, here and there, which has got to be supplied, no matter how much expense or vexation it may cost.

If you have to swallow a frog, don't stare at it too long.

We all belong to the nasty stinking little human race, & of course it is not nice for God's beloved vermin to scoff at each other... Oh, we are a nasty little lot-& to think there are people who would like to save us & continue us. It won't happen if I have any influence.

To do right is wonderful. To teach others to do right is even more wonderful--and much easier.