I never write "metropolis" for seven cents when I can write "city" and get paid the same.
Mark TwainThose people.... early stricken of God, intellectually - the departmental interpreters of the laws in Washington... can always be depended on to take any reasonably good law and interpret the common sense all out of it.
Mark TwainI was warned to stop smoking, which I did, for two or three days, but it was too lonesome, and I have resumed - in a modified way - 4 smokes a day instead of 40. This will have a good effect. On the bank balance.
Mark TwainGood judgment comes from experience. And where does experience come from? Experience comes from bad judgment.
Mark TwainRise early. It is the early bird that catches the worm. Don't be fooled by this absurd law; I once knew a man who tried it. He got up at sunrise and a horse bit him.
Mark TwainThat reminds me to remark, in passing, that the very first official thing I did, in my administration-and it was on the first day of it, too-was to start a patent office; for I knew that a country without a patent office and good patent laws was just a crab, and couldn't travel any way but sideways or backways.
Mark TwainI have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.
Mark TwainIn all the ages, three-fourths of the support of the great charities has been conscience money.
Mark TwainGive an Irishman lager for a month and he's a dead man. An Irishman's stomach is lined with copper, and the beer corrodes it. But whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him.
Mark TwainTraining- training is everything; training is all there is to a person. We speak of nature; it is folly; there is no such thing as nature; what we call by that misleading name is merely heredity and training. We have no thoughts of our own, no opinions of our own; they are transmitted to us, trained into us.
Mark TwainWhoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.
Mark TwainThere is one notable thing about our Christianity: bad, bloody, merciless, money-grabbing, and predatory. The invention of hell measured by our Christianity of today, bad as it is, hypocritical as it is, empty and hollow as it is, neither the deity nor his son is a Christian, nor qualified for that moderately high place. Ours is a terrible religion. The fleets of the world could swim in spacious comfort in the innocent blood it has spilled.
Mark TwainThe true charm of pedestrianism does not lie in the walking, or in the scenery, but in the talking. The walking is good to time the movement of the tongue by, and to keep the blood and the brain stirred up and active; the scenery and the woodsy smells are good to bear in upon a man an unconscious and unobtrusive charm and solace to eye and soul and sense; but the supreme pleasure comes from the talk.
Mark TwainA person who has a cat by the tail knows a whole lot more about cats than someone who has just read about them.
Mark TwainMore than once I have been humiliated by my resemblance to God the father; He is always longing for the love of His children and trying to get it on the cheapest and laziest terms He can invent.
Mark TwainThe choir always tittered and whispered all through the service. There was once a church choir that was not ill-bred, but I have forgotten where it was.
Mark TwainWhen a library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me.
Mark TwainStripping away the irrational, the illogical, and the impossible, I am left with atheism. I can live with that.
Mark TwainWe need not worry so much about what man descends from; it's what he descends to that shames the human race.
Mark TwainOnly he who has seen better days and lives to see better days again knows their full value.
Mark TwainSaturday morning was come, and all the summer world was bright and fresh, and brimming with life. There was a song in every heart; and if the heart was young, the music issued at the lips. There was cheer in every face and a spring in every step. The locust-trees were in bloom, and the fragrance of the blossoms filled the air. Cardiff Hill, beyond the village and above, it was green with vegetation, and it lay just far enough away to seem a Delectable Land, dreamy, reposeful, and inviting.
Mark TwainGod pours out love upon all with a lavish hand -- but He reserves vengeance for His very own.
Mark TwainTruth is more of a stranger than fiction. When in doubt, tell the truth. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.
Mark TwainEven popularity can be overdone. In Rome, along at first, you are full of regrets that Michelangelo died; but by and by, you only regret that you didn't see him do it.
Mark TwainChristianity will doubtless still survive in the earth ten centuries hence- stuffed and in a museum.
Mark TwainHuman beings seem to be a poor invention. If they are the noblest works of God where is the ignoblest?
Mark TwainHow easy it is to make people believe a lie, and [how] hard it is to undo that work again!
Mark TwainMedicine has made all its progress during the past fifty years. ... How many operations that are now in use were known fifty years ago?-they were not operations, they were executions.
Mark Twain