Stephen Colbert Quotes

I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

Baby carrots are making me gay.

My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot. So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.'

Last night, we did the Threatdown -- God, it's hard to even talk about this -- and for the first time, I didn't mention bears. It's winter, they're asleep, I didn't think it would be a problem. But today I see this in the Toronto Globe and Mail -- apparently a 700-pound polar bear showed up at a children's hockey game. I've said this before, they're after our kids -- they're tender, juicy, you don't even have to throw away the bones.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.

Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.

You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.

If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.

Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform.

You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection.

So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves.

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.

There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.

Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?

You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.

You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.

But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem non-threatening. It's almost as if your happiness does not take mine away.

I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.

Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

I used to play a narcissistic-conservative pundit. Now, I'm just a narcissist.

Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It's certainty.