Jay Leno Quotes

Today the United States has admitted that after months and months of searching, we still have no idea where Osama bin Laden is. Osama bin Laden? We can't even find Kenneth Lay.

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada."

President Obama is currently on a week-long trip to Africa, where he will promote freedom, democracy, and economic opportunity. I guess he figured it hasn't worked here - so try it somewhere else.

Well, it looks like John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. He is the son of a bartender, one of 12 children. He grew up in a two room home with just one bathroom, worked his way through school, became the first person in his family to graduate from college. And, sadly, fell in with the wrong crowd and wound up in Congress.

Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That's not a tax, that's barely a tip.

In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can't stand, it's Hillary.

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.

Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.

Did you see Walker's father? 'My son loves America.' Yeah, like O.J. loved his wife.

The car was the iPhone of the 20th century. Kids these days don't have to drive anymore. They just go there virtually.

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had.

Today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders.

There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.

According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House.

Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing them on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their love child.

John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this.

Have you seen the cover of Newsweek? They have Martha Stewart on the cover, but it's not actually Martha. It's a doctored photo. They put Martha's head on a slimmer woman's body. And Martha was very upset about this. She said, 'Hey, if I wanted my face on another woman's body, I'd stay in prison.'

It happened again this week. Hundreds of people had to be evacuated from O'Hare Airport in Chicago. Seems every time somebody went through with a weapon, the metal detectors accidentally went off.

The Houston Astros want to change the name of Enron Field where they play. I guess the Enron name could cause problems for them. Like players could steal a base and then deny it.

It seemed that after he was killed, Gadhafi's body was stored at a commercial freezer at a shopping mall. It's one thing to hunt a guy down and shoot him twice in the head, but then to drag him to the mall? Come on, guys hate that.

US officials have now approved the first anti-obesity drug for dogs. I'm no a veterinarian, but if your dog is over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl. Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking your car keys and driving to McDonalds?

The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her.

Apparently 26 years ago, Arnold gave an interview to Oui magazine about his sex life. The good news is that Arnold is married to Maria Shriver and now that he's had a sex scandal, the Kennedy family has finally accepted him.

I don’t like goodbyes, NBC does.

The Senate voted 97-0 for an anti-spam bill to stop those annoying things you get on your computer. The senators made it very clear that when you start misleading the American people and start taking their money over false promises, that's our turf, buddy!

Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent - over $500,000 a year. She's in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month.

President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.

The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists' team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for.

Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016.

Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed.

While President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her decorator.

Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.

Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?

Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate.

So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.

Corporations complained about [safety] regulations, but let's face it, people walk away from accidents now that would have killed them when I was a kid

Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.

America needs ObamaCare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he's sweating a lot more during his second term

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.

Do you know who will be in charge of health care? The IRS. You thought getting audited was bad? Wait until your next prostate exam.

I guess we didn't even officially apologize. Jesse Jackson called on the United States to officially apologize to the Chinese. Jesse said, 'An apology is not a sign of weakness.' And as President Clinton has taught us, an apology isn't even a sign you're sorry.

You know what the bounty is on bin Laden? $25 million. It sounds like a lot until you realize the Texas Rangers paid $250 million to get Alex Rodriguez.

A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy.

They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.'

Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam.