John Oliver Quotes

I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into.

I'm British; pessimism is my wheelhouse.

One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.

When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

My family are from Liverpool, so I have some twang there - I have a Midlands accent, and I was raised about an hour north of London, so my voice is a mess. Although, to American ears, it sounds like the crisp language of a queen's butler.

The British press are a group of unremitting scumbags. And sometimes they use that scumbaggery to good ends, and often not.

I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free.

When I heard that Hitler had problems with flatulence, it's funny. What - does that make him a funny man? No. It means he had funny moments when his rear end was speaking louder than his mouth.

I care about facts the way I care about oxygen and imbibing enough water a day to live.

There's never any time I think I'm a real journalist, because I don't have any of the qualifications or the intentions for that.

You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'

Politicians don't really bring up religion in England.

Australia turns out to be a sensational place, albeit one of the most comfortably racist places I've ever been in. They've really settled into their intolerance like an old resentful slipper.

I get nostalgic for British negativity. There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers. When you go back to Britain, everybody is just running everything down. It's like whatever the opposite of a hug is.

Teenagers falling off skateboards - funny. Nut shots - funny. Breaking wind - funny. The world cannot change those. Those three things are columns upon which humor is built.

Southern people are bigger-hearted and kinder than I had any right to expect.

You know that things are not going well when you lose the moral high ground to a TMZ reporter.

I did sketch comedy, but I never did improv. So I've just tried to learn as I go.

If you vote for Democrats, you might as well give Al Quaeda a death ray and a manual.

The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.

We invented words; we'll tell you how they're supposed to sound.

Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it’s actually more like raisins into a cookie - because nobody f-‍-‍-ing wants them there.

I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.

Americans just don't understand dry wit.

I find it hard in my general life to think further than the week ahead.

I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.