Milton Berle Quotes

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!