The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.
Milton BerleTalk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
Milton BerleI bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.
Milton BerleMy wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
Milton BerleSome kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
Milton BerleThe problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton BerleI made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
Milton BerleI like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.
Milton BerleThe Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
Milton BerleA young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
Milton BerleMy son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
Milton BerleMost attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
Milton BerleWe owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Milton BerleThe company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
Milton BerleIt's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
Milton BerleAn adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
Milton BerleAnytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Milton BerleIn Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
Milton BerleMy doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Milton BerleWho says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
Milton BerleWhen I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
Milton BerleNowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
Milton BerleFor every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
Milton BerleA man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
Milton BerleMy brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"
Milton BerleI wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
Milton BerleSanta is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
Milton BerleIn the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
Milton BerleThey've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
Milton Berle