Tim Allen Quotes

Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.

If it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel. Topo Gigio

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad's car. I don't blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don't have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.

Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. A typhoon couldn't blow that thing off their heads. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.

When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine - this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.

I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that's a good thing.

Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don't do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn't like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I'd probably eat vegetables.

Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

I'm actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.

Boys can be disgusting. You can't leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We're just obnoxious.

I've gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I'm back to a flip-phone. It's funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they're considered antiques.