Bob Newhart Quotes

I think there's a part, just a part of comedians, that is still childlike.

Women are more emotional. They do get flustered. Which is not to say that men are better than they. It's simply the way it is.

I'm one of those passengers who arrives at the airport five or six hours early so I can throw back a few drinks and muster up the courage to board the plane. Apparently I'm not alone because I've never been in an empty airport bar. I don't care what time you get there. Even at 8:00 a.m. you have to fight your way to the bar. At that hour, everyone drinks Bloody Marys so no one can tell it's booze- at least until they fall off their chair.

Continuing to do stand-up is always a challenge because the audiences and the environments in which you work very often differ.

One of the first things you ever learn as a stand-up is don't show fear.

I wasn't much good. When I went into the line on a fake - I would holler 'I don't have it!'

One of the first things that you learn as a stand-up is, you're the boss. It's your stage, and don't screw with me because I'll make you look bad, which I had to do, because you wind up with drunks and loud people.

I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.

I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

The first time I got up in front of an audience was terror, abject terror, which continued for another four or five years. There still is, a little bit.

You may not think I'm a sex symbol, but I became a father at the age of 48. Now young people think of me as a mini-folk hero because it's difficult for them to believe a man of my age is sexually active.

You should have a value system. You can win if you stick with your value system.

It's getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone. It still brings me up short to walk by somebody who appears to be talking to themselves.

I'm very open to the up-and-comers.

You do a clean show and it's over and the audience have enjoyed themselves and you've enjoyed yourself, and you haven't had to resort to shock.

I think there are still words you can't use in family entertainment that you can use in a sitcom today.

There's gratification in making somebody laugh. It's a wonderful sound. I find myself, to this day, doing it, wanting to make people laugh.

The best advice I could give someone trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you have to work to hone your skills.

Cell phones have gotten so small, you can't tell who's a cell phone user and who's a schizophrenic.

When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.

I've done more than I thought I was ever going to do. I've had a very long and very satisfying career.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

I can't remember the last live-action, non-animated Christmas movie.

I'm most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don't have that, you really don't have very much.

The only way to survive is to have a sense of humour.

I don't have a show anymore. I don't have a check coming in every week. This is important to me, I got to score a million tonight or it could all be over.

Well, if you’re a native Chicagoan, you know how dumb he [Dr. Robert Hartley] is. He gets on the Ravenswood El, he goes past his stop on Sheridan Road, he gets off in Evanston, where the El is on the ground, and then he walks back 55 blocks to his apartment. Now, would you want to have that man as a psychologist? A man who misses his stop every day?

I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.

Every new routine I have ever written and performed probably occurred extemporaneously. Then after you have fleshed it out and tried it out in front of a number of audiences and it works, you put it down on paper.

I don't have a stack of scripts...

As an actor, you generally want to see the other actor's face.

When I started out in 1960, I thought it might possibly last a couple of years. I never expected it to last 42. I take great satisfaction in that longevity.

I think everyone probably starts out sounding like someone else, but gradually you develop your own sound.

I never had an aversion because I was active in the drama club. If I had that aversion I certainly wouldn't put myself in the position of being on stage. Of course, in the drama club you're hiding behind a character.