Bill Maher Quotes

When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.

When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, 'I want to help you get teeth.' Why does that make me an a**hole?

I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in?

Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, Christ, what's that smell?

Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and HE changed colors.

I don't know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.

I was brought up Catholic and we show my mom, my mother, my sister and then I take pains to explain on camera, that there were years after that where I wasn't really religious. I certainly wasn't a Catholic anymore, but I still lived with some mythical man in my head. I didn't really put a name to a face, but I just knew that if I was in trouble or scared I would go, 'Oh God, please help me get out of this one.'

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think that religion stops people from thinking. I think it justifies crazies.

Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.

The media is all over this Oui interview that Arnold did 25 years ago. Now, he's admitted he smoked pot, had group sex and didn't mind dating a girl that was out of shape and kind of fat if she satisfied him sexually. So, his handlers have stopped comparing him to Reagan and started comparing him to Clinton.

It's nine months before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side, he's going to start f---ing everything that moves.

[The Republicans] are always asking the Muslims to denounce their extremists. And I agree with them. But they don't take that note and do it among their own. They don't denounce their own extremists.

The people [in the USA] are not very well informed. They certainly don`t know history. They certainly are not interested in foreign affairs very much, unless it comes right to their doorstep. They all learn history through wars. They learn geography through wars.

If a President must constantly remind the people that we're at war, then we're not.

I'm not a joiner. I don't like organizations.

People say I'm into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I'm just into women who are real, and they happen to be black.

A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid.

A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch Big Brother.

I find it ironic that Republicans have such disdain for the lazy, and yet their solution to every problem is do nothing. Their answer to wealth inequality, do nothing. Health care? Do nothing. Climate change? Nothing. Racism? Doesn’t exist. For a group of people so head over heels in love with self-reliance, they sure do recommend a lot of sitting on their ass.

There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark.

Republicans say that sex is bad, because with them it always is. It is!...I'm sorry, but they're just doughy, asexual, wonky, white people, and if you had to have sex with them it would be over in an excruciating three minutes. It's just, - and from the headlines of the past year I gather the only sex they're really good at, is gay sex. Really.

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".

How come regional pandering only works in one direction, right? You never see a Southern politician trying to win votes in New York State by saying, 'I read books and make a mean vegan meatloaf.'

Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away.

The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You're learning how to do, and you're going on stage in front of two drunks and people aren't laughing and you're broke. That's a really hard time in your life.

The Drug War is an addiction, really.

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

I'm definitely good. I'm not bad; I'm extremely honest, and I allow no bullshit to pass by my radar. And that will always get lots of people thinking you're a jerk. But there are people who appreciate total honesty and questioning of the conformities in our society, and I'm heroic to those people. And I should be. It's an indictment of the rest of society who doesn't get that.

They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven-person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard.

Stop saying athletes do it for the love of the game. They do it for the love of their 32-room mansion with the live shark tank in the living room. If pro sports paid minimum wage, Shaquille O'Neal would be a bouncer at Scores, and Anna Kournikova would be a mail-order bride from Minsk.

New Rule: President Bush must stop acting like WE'RE the idiots. He gives speech after speech, and the theme is always the same; 'What part of freedom don't you get, you morons?'. I'll answer that for you Mr. President. The part where you give it to people by blowing them up.

New Rule: The people of America who were most in favor of the Iraq War must now go there and fight it.

Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the 'will of the people' goes out the window.

Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using toilet water for drinking. And a dog there today said, 'White people's problems.'

Sometimes I'm dragging my ass out to the airport at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and I'm wondering why I'm doing this, but once I walk on stage I know why...because I'm addicted.

You're either a rationalist, or you're not. And the good news is a recent poll found 20% of adults under 30 say they are rationalists, and have figured out that Santa Claus and Jesus are really the same guy. Now, 20% is hardly a majority. But it's a bigger minority than blacks, jews, homosexuals, NRA members, teachers, or seniors... and it's certainly enough to stop being shy about expressing the opinion that we're not the crazy ones!

I'd like to protect children, too, but... is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good... They've midwived a lot of good ideas... lot of great songs, you know? I think "Penny Lane" is worth 10 dead kids... I think Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. There, I said it.

Why are the patriots the ones who don't want to spend money on trains?

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.

McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000 worth of clothes and jewelry on, no matter to the party of the little guy. But Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to pick up at a bar.

March Madnesss...the only place where you hear 'Kansas is advancing.'

People say to me all the time, "I get my news from your show." And that isn't the way they should get their news. But the choice is not between getting their news the right way and getting their news from my show. The choice is that they won't get any at all unless you give it to them in an entertaining package.

It could be anything. It could be Jesus and it could be the Furby and it could be the lint that lives in my navel, but it's probably not. Whatever it is, I doubt we as humans on Earth could have any perception of it while we're here. So, why give yourself a headache thinking about it. Just be a good person. That's what an ethicist is.

I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.

If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it's kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in the talking snake.

Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.