Being the executive producer of a film is not that difficult. It just means that you have some power. There's not a huge amount of skill involved, I don't know how much I'm giving away here. I feel like that guy on Fox, giving away the magicians' tricks. It's not rocket science, being an executive producer of a film.
Craig FergusonIs it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.
Craig FergusonPresident Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it’s not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.
Craig FergusonBe careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down. You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation.
Craig FergusonIn Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.
Craig FergusonFor a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids
Craig FergusonI've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.
Craig FergusonI think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it
Craig FergusonValentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.
Craig FergusonHere in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there's no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.
Craig FergusonAlcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.
Craig FergusonSaudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is King.
Craig FergusonTechnically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli.
Craig FergusonSelf help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.
Craig FergusonIt's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.
Craig FergusonHappy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch - or maybe you're the governor of Arizona.
Craig FergusonI love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.
Craig FergusonStrange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.
Craig FergusonSome people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.
Craig FergusonScotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.
Craig FergusonThis is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
Craig FergusonWhy don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.
Craig FergusonThis book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it
Craig FergusonI think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.
Craig FergusonAnyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.
Craig FergusonSober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?
Craig FergusonHere at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I'm glad the PC police haven't made us change March Madness to early spring psychosis.
Craig FergusonI'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.
Craig FergusonBeing an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.
Craig FergusonYou know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.
Craig FergusonAccording to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading my email.
Craig Ferguson