Phyllis Diller Quotes

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.