Phyllis Diller Quotes

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

self-pity is better than none.

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.