The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.
Ambrose BiercePANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer.
Ambrose BierceMad; adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane.
Ambrose BierceOptimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.
Ambrose BierceFINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of America's most precious discoveries and possessions.
Ambrose BierceThe circus a place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
Ambrose BierceMiss, n. A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.
Ambrose BiercePRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.
Ambrose BierceARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.
Ambrose BierceAn appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure competitor.
Ambrose BierceAmbition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
Ambrose BierceGRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism.
Ambrose BierceDictionary: a malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic
Ambrose BierceYou are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.
Ambrose BierceDELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world.
Ambrose BierceCrowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral.
Ambrose BierceInsurrection. An unsuccessful revolution; disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.
Ambrose BierceEvery patriot believes his country better than any other country . . . In its active manifestation-it is fond of killing-patriotism would be well enough if it were simply defensive, but it is also aggressive . . . Patriotism deliberately and with folly aforethought subordinates the interests of a whole to the interests of a part . . . Patriotism is fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave and blind as a stone.
Ambrose BierceUSAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to produce books that will live as long as the fashion.
Ambrose BierceThe slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations.
Ambrose BierceMONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects have had occasion to learn.
Ambrose BierceHURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old- fashioned sea-captains.
Ambrose BierceAn absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.
Ambrose BierceI keep a conscience uncorrupted by religion, a judgment undimmed by politics and patriotism, a heart untainted by friendships and sentiments unsoured by animosities.
Ambrose BierceAcquaintance: "A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
Ambrose BiercePertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise known as Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick.
Ambrose BiercePatriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first.
Ambrose Bierce